


Four times Toby almost said “I love you” and the one time he did

by total_theatre_nerd



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M, Secret Relationship, Series Compliant, The Halcyon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10102436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/total_theatre_nerd/pseuds/total_theatre_nerd
Summary: I am in love, he thought. I am in love, and it is the greatest feeling of them all.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Characters belong to the ITV show The Halcyon, they are not mine*
> 
> This is my first time attempting to write fan fiction so any criticism/feedback/comments will be greatly appreciated!  
> I needed some cuteness between these two after the way the season ended!  
> Hope you enjoy!

They had only been together a couple of weeks, but those weeks had been the best of Toby’s life. He never knew what it was like to have someone. Someone who made him smile and laugh and who saw him simply as who he was. It was refreshing. Adil was so kind to him and he made him so happy. Thinking back to his life before, he was saddened by how lonely it was, how closed off and hidden he had been.

Tonight was no different than any other. He had dined with his mother, a meal which was filled with awkward conversations and attempts for her to set him up with one respectable lady or another.

“I know you’ll like them if you give them a chance,” she would say, “You won’t even try darling. I know you’re so lonely now that Freddie is away, and I just want you to be happy.”

She was right about one thing at least, and that was that he wished Freddie was here to take the attention off of himself. When Freddie was in a room every single eye was drawn to him. Everyone wanted to speak with him – Lord Hamilton - and nobody noticed little Mr Hamilton in the background. And that was how Toby liked it. 

After dinner he excused himself and made his way to the bar, where there was always plenty of hotel guests and Betsey singing her heart out on the stage. As soon as he stepped into the room he glanced to the right and couldn’t help but smile when he caught sight of Adil. Adil hadn’t seen him yet, he was busy pouring out a drink and having a conversation with a young lady. He slowly made his way over, taking a seat just to the right of the women. After Adil had finished with her he turned towards Toby, and when their eyes met Toby couldn’t help the small stutter that his heart made. He didn’t think this would ever get old. Looking at Adil was like looking up at the stars in the sky and not being able to tear himself away from the beauty. 

“Good evening Mr Hamilton, what can I get you today?” Adil asked, a small smile gracing his face. He smiled at all the customers, of course he had to, but Toby knew that this was his smile. Not a fake one that he sometimes wore when someone would say something a bit too offensive, or the automatic one that appeared whenever he took an order. This was a private one, just for him. 

“Just the usual please,” Toby answered, his smile getting wider as they maintained eye contact. He knew he was not being subtle, that if anyone looked closely at his face they would be able to read the emotions pouring out of him. The only people who could see him though were behind the bar, and since Tom was busy with another customer it was only Adil who saw. And that was the way it was meant to be. 

He watched Adil as he made up the drink. When he was done he slid it over towards him, and Toby placed his hand down on the glass, covering Adil’s fingers with his own, just as they had done long before. This time it wasn’t a stolen touch though, it was a promise of more. 

“Thank you, Mr Joshi,” he said after a few seconds. He wished he could stand here with Adil all night, even just a touch of their hands made happiness bloom in his chest, and he felt like his cheeks would start hurting from all the smiling. He’d never smiled so much before Adil. He pulled his hand away slowly, reluctant to separate. Adil smiled again before having a quick glance around and then winking at Toby before turning his back and speaking to the next customer. 

Toby felt his face heat up as he picked up his glass and made his way towards a table, where he sat facing the bar. He pulled his book out of the pocket in his jacket and opened up where he had left off last time. He could feel his heart still beating too quickly in his chest, and he wondered how a two sentence conversation could make him feel like this.

It was a long time before the night died down. People drifted out in small groups until it was only Betsey, Sonny, Adil and Toby left.

“Mr Hamilton, would you like me to fetch you someone to take you upstairs?” Betsey offered, breaking Toby out of the way he had been staring at Adil. He quickly snapped his head around, and he knew a blush was already gracing his cheeks but he was relieved to see that Betsey was just smiling down at him. She didn’t suspect anything, thank God.

“That’s okay, thank you though Betsey. I think I’ll just have one more drink before I head up,” he replied whilst closing his book and standing up. He could tell she was a bit worried by that, and she looked across at Adil who was wiping down the bar. 

“It’s fine, I’ll finish up here. You and Sonny can go,” he said, nodding at her. 

“Only if you’re sure…” she replied, looking a bit guilty at the thought of leaving Adil on his own. 

“Of course, it’s no bother,” he reassured, smiling at her. This smile was his persuasive one. With this one he could get people to do anything that he wanted. Seemingly having accepted that he wasn’t going to be angry at her she said her goodnights before walking up to the stage to get Sonny. 

Both the boys watched them leave, and as soon as they had gone Toby was striding across the room, stopping in front of the bar right across from Adil. 

“Hello Mr Hamilton, how did your reading go tonight?” Adil asked, and although he kept a professional demeanour Toby could tell he was trying very hard not to laugh and not to reach over and touch him.

“It went awfully I’m afraid, I kept getting distracted by a very beautiful person,” he replied quietly. He was feeling much more confident now that they were alone, but he was still paranoid that someone would walk in. 

“Is that so?” Adil chuckled, leaning slightly towards Toby, his eyes shining with happiness. Toby’s breath hitched and he felt himself inching closer. His brain was telling him to stop. This isn’t your hotel room! Anyone could walk in! But he couldn’t help the urge that he felt, the bond that was pulling them closer and closer. Before their lips could meet however, Adil pulled away and walked over to the side to put some glasses on the shelf, leaving Toby with only the ghost of a breath on his lips. He let out an audible sigh as he deflated, his body moving backwards so he was standing normally and not leaning half way across the counter. 

“You and your stupid face,” he mumbled. 

Adil laughed.

“You love my stupid face.”

“I love…” Toby started before abruptly cutting himself off. You, his mind helpfully supplied. I love you. He glanced up and caught Adil’s gaze. It was too early for that. Toby had never loved someone before, not properly. Even within his family he had not loved his father. His mother, well, he supposed he loved her. Freddie, of course, he loved. But that was different. Twins were two parts of the same soul, they completed each other. He was always going to love his brother. But this? Everything was so new and the last thing he wanted was to scare off the best thing that had ever happened to him. No, it was too early, Toby decided. 

“I love… your… coffee,” was what ended up tumbling from his mouth. He mentally scolded himself as soon as he had spoken. Coffee? Really? 

Thankfully Adil just chuckled and didn’t seem to realise the importance of that moment. 

“Well then, I shall bring some up to your room as soon as I’m done here,” he said, and to Toby it looked like he started to move a bit faster. 

As Toby made his way up to his room, his heart beating fast and his palms sweating in anticipation, he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face.

I am in love, he thought. I am in love, and it is the greatest feeling of them all.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *warning - brief description of panic attack*  
> So here is chapter 2, I'm afraid there's going to be less cuteness and more sadness as this story progresses because I'm going by the plot of the show... we'll see where it ends up!  
> Hope you enjoy, and any feedback/comments would be greatly appreciated :)

Toby was lying curled up next to Adil on his bed, their legs intertwined and his hand running through his boyfriend’s hair. Even from the start Toby had an obsession with touching Adil. It started the first time he kissed him, how he grabbed Adil’s face and cradled it with his hands. And now he liked to touch him whenever he could. When they were kissing he would run his hands all over Adil’s body, feeling out every part of him. Even when they would just sit and talk Toby always liked to be holding his hand, or running his foot up and down Adil’s leg. Perhaps it was because he could never touch him outside of the four walls of his hotel room. He was making up for all the times that he looked at Adil during the day and wished he could reach out to him. 

It was late, but Toby couldn’t bring himself to care about the lack of sleep he was getting recently. Staring down at the boy lying beside him he knew he would not trade these moments for anything in the world. Adil was lying on his side, facing Toby. He had his eyes closed but a sleepy smile was plastered on his face and his hand was placed on Toby’s side, tracing patterns onto his skin. 

“I talked to your brother today,” Adil said, breaking Toby from his train of thought.

“Really? What were you speaking about?” Toby queried, sitting up slightly and pulling Adil with him. The small frown that appeared on Adil’s face from being moved made Toby smile. Adil moved around slightly, getting comfortable again before looking up at Toby. 

“Of course we were talking about how every night I come up here and do unspeakable things with his brother,” Adil joked, his eyes crinkling with laughter. 

Toby on the other hand felt himself still. A dread crept all over his body and he felt himself shiver. He took a deep, shuddering breath, willing himself to calm down. 

“Don’t even joke about that Adil. You can’t… I’m not…” he stuttered, looking into Adil’s eyes. 

“Hey. Toby. I was joking. You know I’d never say anything,” Adil said, his hand reaching up to rest on Toby’s cheek. His forehead was creased with worry, and where there was usually happiness in his eyes there was only concern. 

Toby pushed Adil’s hand off, ignoring the flash of hurt that appeared on his face, and he sat up straight, his back against the headboard of the bed. Adil sighed and copied his actions, so they were both sitting side by side.

“Look, I’m sorry. I should never have...”

“It’s not your fault Adil. I just, I worry so much that someone’s going to find out.”

“Nobody’s going to find out. We’re careful. As long as we don’t tell anyone no one will know.”

“Someone will find out. I know that this,” Toby gestured between himself and Adil “Can’t last forever, that we were doomed from the start but… I’m being selfish. I want to have every second I can with you, even though by doing this, by being with you, I am guaranteeing you a jail cell.” His hands had started shaking at some point while he was talking, and it was getting harder to breathe. 

It wasn’t himself he was scared for. Toby knew that his mother or Freddie could probably help him avoid prison, but even so if he was incarcerated it wouldn’t be as bad for him as for Adil. Sweet Adil who would never hurt a fly, whose smile lit up the whole room, who’s personality could make even the most tense and unsociable customers laugh. His Adil. Just imaging the things that could happen to him made Toby feel sick. He felt a single tear escape from his eye, and he wiped it away quickly, not wanting to appear weak. 

“Shh, Toby. Just breathe okay. In and out, in and out.” Toby felt it when Adil grabbed his hands and he looked down to stare at them, not being able to meet Adil’s gaze. 

“I wish I could reassure you Toby, I really wish I could. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to break down. After I had my first kiss with a boy I ran home and cried. I knew that it was meant to be wrong, that it was a sin, but I couldn’t understand how something that felt so good, that made me so happy could be wrong. And then I realised, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s society that’s wrong. Why should anyone care that I like boys? There’s a war going on, for God’s sake, there are worse things in the world than a boy who likes to kiss other boys. I know the risks, I’ve had years to come to terms with it. But Toby, if you’re having second thoughts, if you’d rather stop, you know I wouldn’t hold it against you…” 

At this Toby snapped his head over to look at Adil.

“No. No no no no, please Adil, I can’t… that’s not what I meant. Please don’t leave me...” he sobbed, reaching his arms out and engulfing Adil, pulling him close. He knew he was over reacting, tears were streaming down his face now and his sobs getting caught in his throat. 

He couldn’t breathe. Adil was going to leave him and he couldn’t breathe. 

He could hear Adil’s voice but couldn’t understand what he was saying. He tried to concentrate but it was hard when he couldn’t get a breath in. Suddenly Adil’s face was right in front of his, his hands cupping his face. 

“I’m here. I’m not leaving you. I’m not leaving.” 

It took a while but eventually Toby managed to calm down. His tears stopped and his breath came back to him. He had somehow moved so that his head was rested on Adil’s chest and he could hear his heartbeat thrumming. They lay like that for a while, Adil slowly carding his hand through Toby’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Toby eventually got out, his voice cracking again on the last word.

“No Toby, don’t apologise, there’s nothing to be sorry for,” Adil assured him.

“There is. I made you think that I didn’t want this, that I didn’t want us. But I do. I’m not worried about what would happen to me if we got caught, I’m worried about what will happen to you,” he stressed, sitting up to look at Adil again. 

“Oh Toby, please don’t worry about me.”

“I have to though, I…” I love you. There were those three words again. Toby knew that he meant it, that he loved Adil with every fibre of his being, but now was not the time to say it. Adil might think he was just saying it because he was upset, because he was trying to get a point across. He would wait until a better moment to say it. Adil deserved that much at least. 

“I feel so helpless, knowing that if it happens then it’ll be my fault. And I just, I care about you too much to just be okay with the idea of you in prison!” 

“Toby, we never know what’s going to happen in the future. We’re in a war, for all we know we could both be dead by tomorrow, or next week or next month. But what I do know is I want to spend every moment that I can with you, if that is what you want of course?” 

Toby could see the distress and pain that he felt mirrored on Adil, and he couldn’t help but reach out and move a hand slowly across his lips. How he wished things could be different.

“I want that too. I do. I want to be with you as much as I can. While we can.”

“Yeah?” Adil smiled.

“Yeah.” Toby agreed. “Stay here tonight?” he then blurted out. The thought of letting Adil get out of his bed and watching him walk away was too painful for him just now. 

“I know you’ve never stayed before, but you can leave early in the morning, before even the maids are up. And no-one will see. No-one will know. And…”

Adil cut him off with a quick kiss on lips. 

“Of course I’ll stay,” he replied quietly. “Quite frankly the thought of leaving you right now is making me feel rather sick.”

Adil wrapped his arms around Toby’s waist and pulled them down so they were lying comfortably facing one another. Their legs found themselves intertwined again, and Toby moved his arms so he was embracing Adil too. 

And that was how they feel asleep, latching on to one another as if that would somehow make everything better. That if they held each other tight enough they could stay together forever and never have to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line "there are worse things in the world than a boy who likes to kiss other boys" is taken from 'Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe', but it fitted the situation so well I had to add it in!


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think this was my favourite chapter to write so I hope you guys like it :)   
> As always kudos and feedback are greatly appreciated, thank you!

As soon as Toby heard the news he began to panic. He had always been good at that, panicking. He wasn’t good at much but he excelled at overthinking and worrying until he couldn’t breathe. Lately Adil had always been able to talk him down before he got too bad. He was so patient and caring, traits he said he acquired through being an older brother. Although if Adil was here he would probably think this was an appropriate time to panic, Toby thought. Well, if Adil was here he wouldn’t even need to be panicking. 

There had been a bomb near Paddington. Everyone in the shelter was dead. Everyone. Dead. He couldn’t stop picturing Adil lying in a pile of rubble. Blood tracing a path down his face. 

He hated it. He hated how he couldn’t even ask if anyone knew if he was okay. He hated how he couldn’t run down to the staff area and check to see if Adil was down there, alive and well. He hated how, if it turned out he was dead, he would have to carry on with his life as if nothing had happened. As if his heart hadn’t just been ripped out of his chest and torn to pieces. 

He felt his breaths start to come more quickly as he paced up and down the room. He couldn’t be dead. Adil wasn’t allowed to leave him. Not like this. Not after such little time.

He heard a quick knock on his door and all but sprinted over there, only just remembering to take a deep breath to compose himself in case it wasn’t Adil on the other side. 

Yanking the door open, he felt a wave of emotion crash over him as he took in Adil standing there, his usual smile on his face.

“Oh thank God!” Toby exclaimed, grabbing Adil’s shoulder and pulling him into the room before pushing him roughly against the wall, cradling his whole face with his hands and kissing him hard.

He took a shuddering breath and let his eyes roam over Adil’s face, trying to memorise every little detail. He let his hands rest at the bottom of Adil’s neck, resting their foreheads against one another and breathing out a sigh of relief. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Adil questioned. Of course he didn’t know. Of course he wouldn’t have a clue what Toby had been through that morning.

“You live near Paddington!” Toby exclaimed, leading Adil into the middle of the room. 

“Yes?” Adil replied, confusion evident in his voice. 

“Bomb dropped on a shelter and killed everyone inside!”

His hands were moving about a lot whilst he spoke, a bad habit which he’d always had (and one which had been the subject of many a lecture from his father.) It got worse when he was nervous, he just didn’t seem to know what to do with them. He tried to convey his worry through his voice. Tried to get Adil to understand how terrified he’d been.

Adil let out a soft laugh, moving his hands to grab onto Toby’s waist.

“Look, I’m alright. See I’m fine,” he said, looking into Toby’s eyes. 

Toby just let out another shuddering breath, placing his forehead against Adil’s again and grabbing onto his shoulders. He needed the touch to convince himself that Adil was real, that he was here in front of him. His hands moved up to stroke Adil’s cheek before coming down to rest on his chest. 

“You were that worried about me, huh?” Adil asked, a hint of teasing in his voice.

“Oh shut up, you have no idea.” 

Adil smiled and let out another small chuckle before Toby grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him hard, his hands again coming up to cradle Adil’s face. 

Throughout their kiss Toby let his hands wander, feeling out Adil’s eyebrows, cheekbones, jawbone, all the way down his neck and his collar bones. And when that wasn’t enough he followed the path his hands made with his mouth, trailing kisses all over Adil. 

Adil’s jacket was yanked off and tossed aside. Toby let his hands wander lower and lower until Adil grabbed them and pulled them up to his stomach, keeping a hold of them tightly.

“Toby, Toby stop,” Adil groaned. 

Toby frowned, “What’s wrong? You don’t want to?” He knew he was heading into new and unfamiliar territory for them, they hadn’t done much more than kissing. Lots and lots of kissing, against the wall, in his bed, but nothing more than that. He thought that maybe Adil was waiting for him, to know that he was ready. He thought that Adil would want it too. He gulped as the embarrassment started to set in. Maybe Adil didn’t want him in that way at all. 

“You’re upset. I don’t want you to do anything that you’ll regret later on, when you’re not as emotional.” 

Toby couldn’t help but be relived. It wasn’t that Adil didn’t want him, it was that he was worried. Worried about things that didn’t need to be worried about. They made a great pair. 

“Adil…” Toby breathed out “I want this,” he assured.

“I thought you were dead. You don’t understand, I thought you were dead…” he said, his voice catching as his throat started to become choked up. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Or I would’ve come up straight when I got here.” Adil replied, his voice sounding almost as broken as Toby’s did. 

“I can’t imagine what that felt like. I’m so sorry Toby, I should’ve known,” Adil continued. 

He dropped Toby’s hands from where he had been holding them and moved his own to grab Toby’s face. It was weird for Toby to be on the receiving end of the gesture, since he was always the one that did it to Adil. He liked it though. The feeling of Adil’s hands cupping his face, his fingers moving gently over his ears.

“Adil. Stop apologising. This is in no way your fault. I’m just so glad that you’re here with me now,” Toby replied, looking into Adil’s eyes. He could see the pain that lay within them. Adil was the kind of person who was always trying to fix things. If he did something wrong he wouldn’t stop until he had righted it. And if he had upset someone, or caused them pain, he would find a way to make sure that they would never be hurt like that again. 

“What if you come to my home one night?” Adil asked. 

“What?”

“That way you’ll know where I live. I don’t have a telephone so you wouldn’t be able to contact me that way. And maybe if you knew where I lived it would help, next time there’s a bomb you’ll know how far away from me it was. And if you’re still worried you could come down, and see that the building is still standing.” 

Or if the building was no longer there, Toby thought. It was a less than brilliant solution. There was so many factors, so many other variables that could affect where Adil was at the time of a bombing. Just because his house had escaped damage didn’t mean that Adil had. And yet, he felt lighter than before, as if even just the notion of knowing where Adil lived had lifted a weight off of his shoulder. 

“Really?” he asked, giving Adil time to change his mind. 

“Yes really. We can be discrete. Nobody will suspect a thing,” he replied. Toby could see how much he wanted this to happen. How he wanted to give this small assurance to Toby.   
Instead of answering Toby just nodded, and leant down to kiss him softly. This kiss was different from the ones they had shared only minutes earlier. It wasn’t filled with desperation. It was slow and careful and filled with longing. They kissed like they had all the time in the world. 

At some point Adil’s hands dropped to Toby’s waist and Toby brought his own up to run them over Adil’s face again.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Adil asked, pulling away from the kiss.

“Doing what?”

“Touching my face. Feeling my features.”

Toby sighed in response and ducked his head, avoiding eye contact.

“I’m just, I’m just trying to memorise you. Exactly as you are now,” he said quietly.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Adil replied, trying to provide a little comfort. 

“You can’t say that. You don’t know. When I was freaking out this morning do you know what made me the most upset? That I was trying to picture you in my mind, happy and smiling, but all that kept appearing was you dead, your eyes cold and staring. And I thought that that was how I was going to remember you. But I want to remember you like this.”

Toby was awful with his words. He couldn’t explain things. He was the opposite of Adil who always knew the right thing to say. Who could turn a person’s day around with one sentence. Toby just seemed to never be able to fit the words together. He knew what he wanted to say but when he opened his mouth things would become jumbled and it would come out completely different to what he had planned. 

“Toby…” Adil breathed out, the heartbreak evident in his voice. “I’m here. I’m with you now. We just have to make the most of the time we have.”

Adil kissed him then, and it was as if an invisible wall had been torn down and all the emotion poured out into the kiss. Things quickly became heated again, and this time when Toby moved his mouth to Adil’s neck he didn’t push him away. Instead, Adil reached up and grabbed onto the lapels of Toby’s robe. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, pausing before he moved further. 

“Yes Adil,” Toby chuckled, carefully undoing his bowtie and throwing it across the room, before moving his hands to his buttons.

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my life,” he finished. And he wasn’t exaggerating. 

“And you?” Toby asked, looking up from his task to find Adil staring up at him already, a smile plastered on his face and a look of wonder in his eyes. 

“I’ve wanted to do this since the moment I saw you,” Adil admitted. 

Toby just scoffed in response and went back to unbuttoning Adil’s shirt.

“I wish you knew how beautiful you are Toby,” Adil whispered, and before Toby had a chance to respond Adil’s mouth was on his and he was being pushed towards the bed. 

It was slow and gentle and everything Toby had wished it would be. 

He had wanted to say it. He almost had. He wanted to tell Adil that he loved him. He didn’t want one of them to die before he said it. But if he said it now he knew Adil would throw it out as something uttered blindly in a moment of passion. And Toby didn’t want it to happen like that. So he held his tongue and thought it instead. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Afterwards they lay side by side, hand in hand, and Toby wished that he could stay in the moment forever. His heart was filled with so much love that he thought it would burst. 

Soon, he thought to himself. I’ll tell him soon.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I don't really like this chapter very much but I wanted to post something for you guys! Comments/kudos are appreciated :) This chapter is sad and angsty and all of the happiness is gone now, and the next chapter is only going to be worse!! But I hope you guys like it anyway :P

To begin with Toby had not been worried at all. If there was information coming from his department there was no way it was coming from him. Although he took work home he was careful, always having it with him in his hotel room or locked up.

He had started to get scared when the man hit him. The way he sneered at him, the anger in his voice. It reminded Toby so much of his father and it made his heart start to beat a little faster in his chest. Even after death he was still causing Toby pain. Toby hated how he let it.

As soon as the topic of a girlfriend came up Toby felt his heart sink. Not because of the lie he had to tell, not because he was worried they would figure out the truth, but because that was the moment that he knew. Adil had betrayed him.

He had a lot of time to think whilst he was sitting alone in the room. He cast his mind back over all the times he and Adil had been together, and there were many by now. From the first kiss in the wine cellar to the hour they had spent lost in each other the night before. The doubts started to creep in. He didn’t want to believe that Adil was only with him for the information. But the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Why else would Adil chose him? He was awkward. He wore suits that swamped him. He wasn’t attractive. No matter how many times Adil had called him beautiful he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He wasn’t very sociable, he’d rather spend an evening with a book than another person, and even so he was terrible with his words. He was shy and gangly and so inexperienced. He had nothing to give.

A small voice inside his head was fighting back. Why would Adil have offered to resign after the first kiss if he had just wanted to use you? Why does he always look so happy when we’re together if he doesn’t care? But then he would refocus on his insecurities, and those thoughts of _maybe_ _he_ _does_   _care for me_ were thrown out.

As Toby sat there alone in the cold room he felt tears start to build up in his eyes, but he squeezed them shut, not allowing them to fall. He wasn’t going to cry over this. At least not until he was alone.

To Toby it felt like time had slowed down. Like every second he spent in that room was an hour, and he let himself get drowned in his thoughts and self-doubt. Eventually, he was freed. And after returning to the hotel and sending a quick message down for Adil to come up with some coffee, Toby made his way to his room.

His hand was shaking as he reached out with his key to unlock the door, and he barely made it inside before he sank to the floor and let the tears fall. He didn’t allow himself much time to cry before he was standing up and heading to the bathroom. He didn’t know how long it would take Adil to come up, and he didn’t want to be found like that. He looked at himself in the mirror and took in his appearance. It was obvious he had been crying, and Toby hated how weak he looked. How weak he felt.

He splashed some water over his face and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

 

Toby sat at his desk playing with his lighter. He wished Adil would just appear already, he could feel the tears resurfacing. He stared at the flame as he flicked his lighter off and on, taking comfort in the repetitive motion.

A knock broke him out of his trance and he gulped, trying to find some courage.

“Come in.”

He didn’t look up as Adil walked in, although he did feel the worried looks Adil sent his way.

He listened as Adil placed the coffee tray on the table, and had to force himself not to look up as Adil walked over. He knew that if he did that he would either burst into tears or forgive Adil before he had even confronted him.

“I was worried about you. How are you?” Adil asked quietly as he rested his hand on Toby’s shoulder, trying to offer comfort.

Toby couldn’t help the way he flinched away. A touch that would once have filled him with joy instead made him feel sick. Now he couldn’t help but think about how every move Adil made could have been an act, a part of a choreographed dance made to seduce him.

Out of the corner of his eye Toby saw Adil move around to be in front of him.

“What is it? What’s happened?” Adil asked, and Toby could hear the worry in his voice. Was he worried about him? About what he had gone through that day? Or was he worried that he had been found out, that Toby had worked out what he was doing?

Toby swallowed, praying that his voice would stay strong and not falter, that he could keep his tears at bay. He had plenty of time to think about how he would do this, how he would make Adil confess. But in the end, he couldn’t help the tiny seed of hope that told him maybe he was wrong about everything. That it hadn’t been Adil. And he knew it was dangerous to hope. He had always been a dreamer, and his mother had always said it would only cause him pain.

“Tell me you didn’t betray me.”

He glanced up at Adil and saw him open his mouth, but he said nothing. Toby knew then what he had known from the start but didn’t want to believe, and he looked away before he could start crying.

“Say it wasn’t you,” he prodded.

Please Adil, he thought, tell me I’m wrong.

“I can’t,” Adil replied quietly, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry.”

Toby took in a harsh breath, a tear escaping and flowing down his cheek.

It didn’t hurt any less because he had been expecting it. It still felt like Adil had just taken a knife and shoved it straight through his chest. He didn’t want to ask the next question, but he needed to know.

“Is that what all this was about?” Toby questioned, gesturing between the two of them as he finally looked up.

“No!” Adil responded quickly, “No no no Toby. Toby. I love you!” he pleaded, bending down to kneel in front of him, desperation leaking out of his voice.

And that was unfair. Toby felt what was left of his heart shatter because Adil wasn’t meant to say that. After all the times Toby had waited, wanting the perfect moment to say it, Adil had to go and say it now, like this.

“I was threatened,” Adil tried to explain, and that startled Toby. That idea had never once crossed his mind.

“My family. I… I didn’t have a choice.”

“Who’s threatening you?” Toby asked, averting his gaze again. He wanted to believe Adil, he wanted it to be true. That would mean that Adil did love him, that he didn’t just use him. But he could just have been lying, trying to climb out of the hole he had dug himself in to.

“Believe me I never wanted to do it I swear to you.” Adil replied instead of answering his question.

“No. I asked you who," Toby said harshly, looking at Adil again. He was staring up at Toby, tears in his eyes and a look of pure anguish on his face. Toby watched him take a deep breath, as if he was building up courage.

“Mr D’Abberville.”

Adil looked away but Toby just continued to stare at him. With those two words it all made sense. Of course it would be him. He should have known that someone finding out about their relationship would never go as smoothly as it had. As he thought it had.

Toby started to feel a guilt creeping up on him. Because he should never have doubted Adil’s feelings for him. Should never have doubted that the moments they had together were real. But it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the fact that Adil betrayed him. So he pushed away the guilt and instead started to focus on the anger. He was done being the small, timid one who was constantly getting pushed over and trampled on. He was done being weak.

Toby slowly stood up and straightened his tie.

“What are you doing?” Adil asked, standing up to hurry after him.

“I need to speak to him.”

“Please Toby, Toby..” Adil begged, reaching out to grab Toby’s arm.

“Don’t touch me!” Toby shouted, spinning round and pointing at him.

“And don’t tell me what to do. I trusted you and I…” He clenched his hand into a fist and looked away before he could say it. Just because Adil had said it to him, didn’t mean he was going to say it now. Loving Adil didn’t change what happened. Loving Adil didn’t mean anything when he couldn’t trust him. From the heartbroken look on Adil’s face Toby knew he had at least guessed what he had been about to say. He wished he could have stayed with Adil. That he could forgive him and forget this ever happened and they could carry on the way things had been not even twenty four hours ago. But he couldn’t.

Toby turned around and pulled open the door, taking a step out into the corridor.

“Toby, please…” he heard Adil beg, but Toby let his voice get cut off by the slam of the door.

Toby walked away, furiously wiping at the tears that had escaped.

How was it that happiness was so hard to find but it could be taken away so quickly?

It felt as if every step he took away from his room, away from Adil, made everything hurt even more.

If this was how love made you feel then perhaps he didn’t want it after all.


	5. +1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning - suicide attempt*
> 
> So in this chapter I have put a version of the letter that Adil sent to Toby. I wasn’t going to because I didn’t want to ruin something which was such a critical part of Adil’s character, but I felt like it added something to the chapter. It is just my interpretation of what these characters were feeling and I know it will be different to what you readers have thought but I hope you enjoy it anyway :)  
> As always thanks for reading!

Toby,

I know you never wanted anything written down, any evidence of our time together. But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I’m being selfish, as I always am. I know you hate me, and you have every right to, as I have ruined your life. But after everything I still care about you. Even if every memory of us repulses you and brings you nothing but pain, I cannot lie and pretend that I wasn’t the happiest I’d ever been when I was with you. And that makes me sick to my stomach, knowing that I have taken advantage of you, twisted you into something you don’t recognise.

I am what I am. I’m wrong. I have always been this way, and I know I can never change that. But it’s not too late for you. You can live a long and happy life, I know you can. With a beautiful wife and beautiful children in your fancy hotel. Who was I kidding? I am nothing compared to you.

Still, I wish you all the best Toby, I really do. If disappearing will help save my family from deportation, if disappearing is the only way that I can help you, then I will not hesitate for one second. All I’ve ever wanted is to keep those who I love safe. And now I have a way to do that. 

I hope things come to an end once I am gone. I hope you will be able to move on quickly from all the pain that I caused you. 

Goodbye, my love 

 

When Tom handed him the letter he had felt his heart sink. And reading the words that were on it made him the most terrified he’d ever been in his entire life. Nothing could ever compare to the pure dread he felt. And when Tom said Adil had left it a few hours ago it was as if that feeling tripled, and all he could think was I’ve killed him. I’ve taken the best thing that has ever happened to me and completely destroyed it. 

How did he say those things when he meant none of it? How did he stand there and plunge the knife into Adil’s heart over and over again, watching him crumble before his own eyes? He thought of what he had said to him. He’d told him to disappear, that there was no place for him and there never would be. He couldn’t let those be the last words he ever said to Adil. 

And even after everything he’d said, all Adil was trying to do was protect him. He was not selfish. He was the most selfless person Toby had ever met, and it pained him to know what Adil thought of himself – that he was insignificant and wrong and not worth anything. He was everything to Toby. 

He knew that Adil had managed to dig out a piece of his heart and burrow himself in it. He would always belong there. It was as if Toby had woken up after their first kiss together. He had always known that he was different, and that he didn’t belong in the small box that society, that his father, had placed him in. But nothing had made sense until that kiss. He had spent all that night trying to forget the feeling of Adil’s lips, but instead he had just found himself picturing more. He had wanted more. 

He could never be disgusted at the things they had done. They had made him feel alive, happy and cared for. Never before had he believed that he was worth something, but the time spent with Adil had changed him. He knew now that someone could love him, and that he deserved to be happy. 

He had let Adil steal into his heart, something that no one had ever done before. Sometimes Toby thought that he had allowed himself to feel too much too soon. That he had fallen too fast for the handsome bartender with the face of an angel. He had fallen for his beautiful eyes, his perfect cheekbones and stunning smile. But also for his humour, his kind-heartedness and his ability to make any day a good day, no matter what had happened. 

And then it was over.

As quickly as it had begun. 

Sometimes it was too much for him to bear. Seeing Adil around the hotel, at the bar. Recently seeing Adil brought tears to his eyes rather than a smile to face. It hurt every time he saw him. Not just because of what Adil had done, but because Toby wanted nothing more than to forgive him and fix things, even though he knew he couldn’t.  
Toby felt like all he had done since the revelation was waste away in his lonely hotel room. And then there were the times Adil would linger, waiting for Toby to appear before he pounced. It just made Toby feel worse. He couldn’t help the anger that seeped into his voice whenever he talked to Adil. Anger at Adil, for getting him into this bloody situation in the first place. Anger at Mr D’Abberville, for doing this to them. But also anger at himself, because he wasn’t strong enough to do what he knew needed to be done. He was too scared, too pathetic. It seemed as if he would always be weak. 

He thought that telling Mr Garland would change everything. He should’ve known he was not that lucky. 

He knew his way out. He knew what needed to be done. He had to tell the police. He was willing to risk his secret being told if it meant that the German’s never got their hands on the information. Thousands of people risked their lives every day for their country, including Freddie. How could he stand by and let the enemy get ahead when his brother could be shot out of the sky every time he got into his aeroplane? His own life and his future were nothing compared to that. 

He thought back to what Freddie had said when he was worrying about Emma. Toby had told him that he couldn’t stop Emma from loving him, and he had replied ‘Maybe I can. Maybe I have to.’

At the time Toby didn’t understand. But now he did. He was going to have to push Adil away, so that when everything eventually exploded he would not be caught in the blast. He could keep him safe, he could keep him out of the scandal and out of jail. 

Toby knew that Adil would’ve done anything for him. That he would’ve placed the blame solely on himself. That he would’ve sacrificed himself for Toby’s freedom. But Toby wasn’t going to let that happen. Even after everything he loved Adil. He loved him more than he would ever care about himself.

It had crushed him to say those things to Adil. He had to force the words to come out of his mouth, because he had never told such big lies. Seeing Adil’s face drop more with every word killed him inside. And the way Adil had called him Mr Hamilton had broken his heart. When he walked away it took all of Toby’s self-control not to call him back in and apologise and make everything right. He had to do this. He had to keep Adil safe, even if it meant shattering him for the mean time. 

And now it had turned out like this. 

He couldn’t think of much as he ran. All he could do was try and run faster, push harder, get there quicker. The few times he had walked these streets before had been filled with happiness, of small smiles and laughter. A quick peck on the cheek when the street was deserted. Hands held under the cover of darkness. 

This time though his heart was thundering in his chest, from both the exertion and the fear. He could feel the muscles in his legs start to burn but he couldn’t slow down. He didn’t have time. 

Toby tried to picture his life without Adil in it and it made his heart constrict painfully, a fresh round of tears slip from his eyes, and it gave him a burst of energy to run faster. It was all his fault. He did this. If Adil died then it would be on him. By trying to save Adil he might have destroyed him - the only person who he had ever loved. It was the same as if he had placed a gun onto Adil’s temple and slaughtered him with a gunshot to the head. 

After what felt like an eternity he finally, finally, reached Adil’s door. He banged his fist against it. 

“Adil!” he screamed, and he couldn’t help the terror that leaked out into his voice. When he didn’t get a response he knocked again. “Adil!” 

There was no answer. 

Toby couldn’t wait any longer – every second was one where Adil could be lying in there dying. So he braced himself and took a step back, before running and ramming into the door. On the second attempt it flung open, and all Toby could smell was the gas. It made his eyes water and his heart hurt. And then he saw Adil lying there, hands placed gently over his heart, and he let out a broken sob. He couldn’t think properly. All that was running through his mind was no no no no no. 

He ran over and turned off the tap, coughing as he made his way back to Adil. Toby grabbed him out of his bed and carried him out onto the landing, cradling his head.  
Toby looked down at his face, hoping to see any hint of life. Instead what he saw was his worst nightmare. No matter how many times in the past he had pictured Adil lying dead nothing would ever compare to this. 

Adil’s face was cold under his hands. It was such a big change to the heat that usually radiated off of him and it felt so wrong. 

Toby slapped at Adil’s face, trying to wake him up. 

“Come on. I didn’t mean it. I… I didn’t mean it, I love you. Come on, come on. Please…” he whispered, tears steadily streaming down his face. 

The relief that flooded through him when Adil coughed loudly was like nothing he’d ever felt before. All he wanted to do was break down and release all of the emotions that were flowing through him. 

“Oh God I thought I’d lost you!” he cried, trying to get Adil to understand how scared he had been. 

And when Adil just wrapped his arms around him and held him like he never wanted to let go all Toby could do was hold him back and let the tears fall. They lay embracing each on the staircase, both of them weeping uncontrollably.

“I didn’t mean what I said! I love you Adil,” Toby whispered between his sobs. “I’m so sorry, I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go guys! Thank you to every single person who has read this and left kudos or comments. I really enjoyed writing it – it’s been the first time in a long time I have had the motivation to write something and I miss it so much!  
> I am maybe going to write another story with these two cuties which will hopefully be a lot happier. However, I do have important university exams coming up in May so I don’t have much time for writing. Let me know if you would like to see more!! Hopefully after my exams I’ll have plenty of free time to write :)  
> Thank you again, I hope you enjoyed it.


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